When Your ADULT CHILD Starts Pulling Away… and You’re Not Sure What to Do Next
For Moms Navigating Distance with their Adult Daughters
What happens when it feels like your adult daughter is pulling away after all you’ve done to raise her?
Especially after you worked hard to give your next generation something better than what you had. And then on top of that, the request feels vague, painful, or unsettling. Those hard to decipher comments like:
- “I need space”
- “things need to change”
- “I can’t do this the same way anymore.”
As excruciating as those words may feel, and while they may not be the most skillful way of communicating what she’s experiencing… her request may actually be a sign that, like you, she’s longing for authentic connection.
A Client Story
I want to share something I’ve been working through recently with a client.
She is the adult daughter of an emotionally immature mother. And, because of that (of course), she’s been healing-forward as she was raising her kids. And in many ways, she did parent with more awareness, presence, and care than she was raised with. But like so many of us, she arrived at some of this work later in life. Which meant that by the time certain blind spots came into view, she realized she had already (unintentionally!!) leaked some generational material onto her kids.
Neuroplasticity is on Your Side AND on Your Daughter’s side too
While the exact answer for next steps will depend on the specifics of your relationship, there are some universally-applicable principles. Starting with this: it can be really important to keep in mind that neuroplasticity is on our sides and on your daughter’s side too.
And the repair skills, the relational skills, the communication skills that will most likely be important tools on your journey are all learnable skills. For example, you can check out:
- Communicating with your ADULT CHILD when you are Feeling Hurt [YouTube]
- Tool for Boundaries without Bracing [article]
- Self-blame Spiral- why & why it matters [article]
The Counter-Intuitive Critical Step Forward
One of the most important foundations for relational well-being, whether with your daughter or anyone else, is nurturing the relationship between your own two ears.
The challenge with that is, when a daughter asks for change, that can light up fear, defensiveness, or urgency inside of us. And when those inner dynamics take the lead, it can be hard to imagine taking time away from our relationship with HER to point loving attention towards ourselves. Especially if we were conditioned with the misguided programming that self-anything is selfish.
Which is why it can feel counterintuitive to point some of our attention inward. Especially at a time like this. And yet, being well-resourced on the inside actually helps us access better solutions.
When we’re navigating relational complexity, having access to our inner steadiness makes a meaningful difference. From that place of inner steadiness, we’re more able to:
- Listen without collapsing or defending
- Take responsibility without drowning in self-blame
- Stay present through the discomfort
- Move toward repair without rushing or forcing outcomes
And, from that place of inner steadiness, clearer next steps have room to emerge.
If your adult daughter is pulling away or asking for change, often it means something in the relationship is asking to be met with new skills and new ways of relating. And, as counter-intuitive as is may sound, a powerful step in the relational-repair process is to tend to your inner community between your own two ears SO THAT you can show up for yourself, which will ultimately support you in showing up for them.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- Communicating with your ADULT CHILD when you are Feeling Hurt [on YouTube]
- For Moms Navigating Distance with your Adult Daughter [YouTube playlist]
- Self-blame Spiral- why & why it matters [Article]
- Recognizing Adaptive Patterns: Unlocking Freedom from Old Roles [Article]
SERVICES
Sometimes the insights on their own are enough. But when they aren’t, you don’t have to do this alone. When the wound was relational, at some point on the journey, part of the healing will also be relational as we learn & practice new skills, tools, and relational choreography.
Would it have been nice to learn foundational skills when we were children? OF COURSE. But if we didn’t (I’m raising my hand here too), then at least we can be glad they are learnable skills.
- Healing mother wounds; healing ourselves; reparenting; remothering
Click here for programs and services - Parenting as you are healing
If you are also parenting while you are doing your healing work, learning new skills, AND facing those cringe-y moments of realizing you may have already leaked some of your unhelpful generational patterns onto your kid(s) despite your best efforts and intentions, you are not alone. And thankfully, it’s not too late. No matter how old your child is.- Parenting an older teen or young adult? Click here for resources and services
- For Mothers And/Or Daughters Navigating Complicated Dynamics Book a Relief Blueprint Session
