Breaking Free from Guilt: Remothering for the Dutiful Daughter
Are you a dutiful daughter struggling with persistent guilt?
In my recent conversation with Rachel K. Hudson on her podcast, we delve into how deeply ingrained patterns can trap us in an endless loop of guilt.
This article explores key insights from our discussion, shedding light on how early conditioning leads to people-pleasing, perfectionism, and other outside-in adaptations. And, we get into actionable steps to break free from those patterns.
The Endless Loop of Guilt
Rachel and I talked about how guilt can trap us in an endless loop, especially when we self-censor or judge our thoughts instead of simply noticing them. I mentioned:
“…when we’re in the vortex of the guilt and we don’t even have a homeopathic dose of ourselves outside of the guilt, we can get into a loop. Especially when we have that dutiful daughter conditioning; we can self-censor or judge the thought instead of noticing the thought.”
In this clip, we look at the analogy of trying to hold a beach ball underwater—it takes immense energy and focus. And even though it makes so much sense that as dutiful daughters we may have this pattern, it might be worth noticing the cost as a path towards noticing if these patterns still serve. Consider what else we could be doing with that energy and focus instead of holding down that metaphorical beach ball.
Actionable Takeaway #1: Get Curious About Your Guilt
Instead of self-censoring or pushing your feelings down, allow yourself to become curious about them. Ask yourself:
- What is this guilt trying to tell me?
- Is there a deeper need or value that this feeling is pointing toward?
- Can I acknowledge this feeling without judgment?
By approaching your guilt with curiosity, you interrupt the pattern, opening the door to more choice.
On Instagram: Who installed your ‘feel guilty’ programming?
The Predictable Patterns of Dutiful Daughters
In this segment of the podcast, we discussed how early conditioning can lead us to an outside-in orientation, shaping behaviors like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and neglecting our own needs.
“That early training where outside-in becomes our way of seeing and thinking and operating sets us up for some pretty predictable adaptations… Even just scanning the room and noticing who needs what immediately when you walk into the room, instead of noticing, what you may need.”
Actionable Takeaway #2: Practice Moments of Inside-Out
Try to notice moments when you’re operating from an outside-in pattern and see what happens if you flip it. For example:
- Before responding to others, take a moment to check in with yourself.
- Ask, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?”
- Journal and begin to get more clear on your own preferences based on YOUR values
Practicing moments of turning within is a helpful step in nurturing and cultivating the relationship between our own two ears, which leads us into the 3rd clip, where we were talking about our internal community.
On Instagram: Ever prioritize others without including yourself in the equation?
Engaging with Your Internal Community
In this segment, I spoke about one of my favorite topics: our internal communities.
“I like to personify the circuits and systems in my brain and think of them as an internal community… If we think about our internal community in that way, if there’s a giant feeling of guilt or ‘should’, that’s a piece of information.”
Ignoring these internal signals can lead to internal friction, which can manifest as harsh self-talk, anxiety, or overwhelm. What can we do instead? One tool is internal accompaniment and understanding.
Actionable Takeaway #3: Empowered Inner Dialogue
- When a strong emotion arises, pause and acknowledge it.
- Imagine this feeling as a member of your internal community with valuable information.
- Ask, “What would you like me to know? How can we work together?”
This practice nurtures internal harmony and fosters a collaborative relationship with yourself.
On Instagram: “I see you GUILT”
Embracing Inner Wisdom and Peace
It’s helpful to be gentle with yourself as you explore these feelings. Navigating guilt, especially as a dutiful daughter, is a complex journey. Those ingrained thought patterns are often rooted in what feel, to our younger selves, like survival-level choices. As humans, we all have layers of our brain that don’t operate in linear time and may not realize that we are now adults who can survive the disappointment of our mothers and others. Even though our logical selves may know this, that understanding isn’t always shared across our internal community.
While we can’t simply logic our way out of these patterns, neuroplasticity is on our side. With patience and practice, we can transform guilt into ease and inner harmony. And the remothering work can help us hold ourselves with love, respect, and an ‘of courseness’ as we unlearn what’s no longer serving and rewire with intention towards something more aligned.
For a deeper exploration of these concepts and more personal insights, I invite you to listen to the full podcast episode on Rachel K. Hudson show, the episode is titled: “Thrive with Remothering”, and you can check it out here:
👉 Listen to the full podcast here: Rachel K. Hudson Podcast, episode with Simona Vivi H, Thrive with Remothering
If you found these insights helpful, feel free to share this article with others who might benefit, and I’d love to hear which of these insights resonated with you the most! Leave a comment or email me over at reMothering.org.
Wishing you all the best on your remothering journey!
May the harmony we are each learning to cultivate between our own two ears ripple out into the world in positive and meaningful ways.
From my heart to yours,
Simona
For more remothering resources check out:
- Finding Calm in Chaos: How Resilience Anchoring Can Help You Stay Grounded
- 5 After-Effects of Emotionally Immature Parenting
- What is Remothering?
