Sometimes WE are the complicated mother (uggh!!)
If we’ve been doing our work to heal from our own mother wounds, and then we bump into rough relational waters with someone (and maybe especially if that someone is our own kiddo), it can feel disorienting.
So, what can we do?
I received such a tender email from someone in our community, and I want to name for all of us… just because we are doing our work, doesn’t mean all of our relationships will be smooth sailing.
But the experience of a complicated relationship can be such a mind-eff.
It’s rough to come face to face with the oh-so-human and oh-so-uncomfortable reality that sometimes, even if we’re doing our own work, other people– including our children have their own processes, their own defensiveness, their own trauma, their own worldviews.
If we’ve been doing the work to heal from our own mother wounds, it’s easy to go into self-doubt or self-blame and wonder how to wrap our heads around what’s going on with other people (including, and maybe especially our kiddos).
Co-creating relational well-being takes two people. But when one of those people is your child, then what?
One thing that can help is choosing the perspective that the river of nurturance flows downward. If we are the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, chances are, that wasn’t our experience as daughters, but it can become something we give to our own children.
THE RIVER OF NURTURANCE FLOWS DOWNWARD
And part of that flowing downwards is the belief that, as the parent, we hold the space. Which means when we are feeling defensive or pinged by our child’s reaction, we work that through with ourselves, with a coach, or a dear friend before we bring it back into the relationship.
That supports us to show up with groundedness and strength for our kids.
And even if we have an oh-so-human moment of feeling pinged, we don’t stay there. Instead, we “remember to remember” to lean in for the remothering moments. To treat ourselves with love and respect. And from that safe-inside space, we show up for ourselves and for them.
So if you, like this mother, ever find yourself in a complicated relational space and that has you questioning everything, you are far from alone… and I hope this can serve as a reminder that this moment is only one part of a much larger unfolding.
The “how” and “what” that will come next will depend on the specific circumstances, but what will be universally true is that we’ll access our best solutions when we resource ourselves (including treating ourselves with kindness).
May the harmony we are each learning to cultivate between our own two ears ripple out into the world in positive and meaningful ways.
If you feel called to explore this more deeply, or want support in finding your own next steps, I’d be honored to walk with you. One of the best ways to do that is join me at one of our free, live, online workshops. Click here to get the details.
warmly and with so much care,
from my heart to yours,
Simona
More Resources
- On the Blog
Parenting Emerging Adults: individuation and uncertainty - Upcoming Workshop
Attention Cycle-Breaking Parents: 3 Keys to Turn Tension into Connection as you Heal Your Mother Wound
Services
Sometimes the insights on their own are enough. But when they aren’t, you don’t have to do this alone. When the wound was relational, at some point on the journey, part of the healing will also be relational as we learn & practice new skills, tools, and relational choreography.
Would it have been nice to learn foundational skills when we were children? OF COURSE. But if we didn’t (I’m raising my hand here too), then at least we can be glad they are learnable skills.
- Healing mother wounds; healing ourselves; reparenting; remothering
Click here for programs and services - Parenting as you are healing
If you are also parenting while you are doing your healing work, learning new skills, AND facing those cringe-y moments of realizing you may have already leaked some of your unhelpful generational patterns onto your kid(s) despite your best efforts and intentions, you are not alone. And thankfully, it’s not too late. No matter how old your child is.- Parenting an older teen or young adult? Click here for resources and services
- For Mothers And/Or Daughters Navigating Complicated Dynamics Book a Relief Blueprint Session
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- For Parents of Older Teens or Young Adults
3 Keys to Set Loving Boundaries… without guilt or power struggles [free workshop]
- For Mothers And/Or Daughters Navigating Complicated Dynamics
Book a Relief Blueprint Session
