Transforming Holiday Guilt
Turning Emotional Triggers into Inner Connection
(what you need to know about ‘Bottom Drawer Encounters’)
Do You Ever Struggle with Guilt and Obligation?
The holiday season is ramping up, with Thanksgiving around the corner here in the US and the winter-season holidays nearing.
Stories and songs paint a picture that, for some folks, this is “the most wonderful time of the year.” Perhaps for some, it is. But for many of us, the holidays bring layers of complexity—and holiday guilt—that those cheerful lyrics don’t quite capture.
While I don’t have any magic fairy dust to sprinkle over our holiday challenges, I can offer a tool—and something to look forward to.
Accessing the “Bottom Drawer”
In her book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Heather Forbes explains that we often hold unprocessed experiences outside of our conscious awareness—experiences that can only be accessed when something or someone awakens them. She uses the metaphor of a filing cabinet and invites readers to imagine that the bottom drawer can only be opened by another person.
During the holidays, interactions with family, old friends, familiar sights & sounds, or even certain traditions can “open the bottom drawer,” bringing up emotions, memories, and yes—holiday guilt—we might not have realized were there.
When this bottom drawer is opened, we often respond with outdated adaptive strategies—like people-pleasing, over-functioning, or numbing behaviors like scrolling or having a drink. Instead of slamming it shut, we can, if it’s available to us (and no myth of perfection—it won’t always be!), lean into a Remothering Moment to heal and integrate those old experiences.
Remothering Moments for Holiday Triggers
Holiday guilt, obligations, and emotional triggers, oh my!
That’s meant to be Wizard of Oz humor 😉
I’ve called these the “ugh” moments before, like in this 2022 article about holiday prep, so I’m not going to pretend this is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. But I do want to offer it as a possibility for what could be.
Because, as uncomfortable as it is, there’s an upside to holiday guilt and those emotional triggers. The upside is that it gives us access to our “bottom drawer.” By greeting and integrating these awakened experiences with compassion, we strengthen our inner scaffolding, fostering greater harmony and connection within ourselves.
How to Practice a Remothering Moment
1. Spot the Clue
When you notice yourself reaching for an old adaptation—perhaps agreeing to something out of obligation or feeling the urge to over-function—pause. Recognize this as a clue that your bottom drawer may have been opened.
2. Turn Within
Gently acknowledge your feelings. You might say to yourself:
- “Of course I’m feeling this way. Given my experiences, it makes sense.”
This step helps validate your emotions and creates space for self-compassion.
A Side Note on Self-Compassion
I want to acknowledge that for some of us, the term self-compassion doesn’t land well. If the idea of self-anything feels “indulgent”, let me share why self-compassion can actually be incredibly helpful: it sends soothing neurochemicals to our brain, creating the conditions for healing.
3. Be There For Yourself
Lean into the remothering moment. Imagine that ping as a younger version of you—one who might not even realize that you are here now, ready to support them.
This could look like placing your hand on your heart and saying: “I’m here with you, and for you. It’s not all on you anymore. You did it—I’m an adult now, and we’re in this together. I’ve got you.”
This practice builds a sense of safety and connection within.
4. Choose a New Response
From this grounded, self-connected place, ask yourself what you genuinely need in this moment. It might be:
- Setting a healthy boundary
- Taking a moment for self-care
- Reaching out to a supportive friend or community,
You might also find comfort in being here, on the reMothering.org blog, as a reminder that, while we each walk our own unique journey, we don’t have to do it alone.
By practicing these Remothering Moments, we can compost and transform holiday guilt into opportunities for healing, growth, and thriving forward.
Something to Look Forward To
As for something to look forward to this holiday season, our wonderful reMothering Masterclass faculty member Dr. Taylor Damiani has put together a Cycle Breaker Summit for December.
Cycle Breaker Summit: Reparenting Edition
Dr. Taylor Damiani Presents:
CYCLE BREAKER SUMMIT: REPARENTING OURSELVES
December 9th – 12th, 2024
If you feel overwhelmed by family drama, struggle with guilt and obligation, or find it hard to set and keep boundaries, check out Taylor’s upcoming Cycle Breaker Summit.
I’m honored to be speaking alongside pioneers in this space like Danu Morrigan. Other speakers include Dr. Sherrie Campbell (from the “Sherapy Sessions” podcast), Karen C.L. Anderson, and Dr. Sharon Martin.
→ Get your free ticket for the Cycle Breaker Summit here
Closing Thoughts
May the harmony we are learning to cultivate between our own two ears ripple out into the world in positive and meaningful ways.
Wishing you inner harmony and moments of ease this holiday season.
From my heart to yours.
Your guide, coach, and fellow traveler on the remothering journey,
Simona Vivi H
Additional Support & Resources
for the Remothering Journey
Remothering, On The Blog
Remothering, On Instagram
1:1 Support for the Remothering Journey
Coaching with Simona Vivi H
Remothering
Guiding adult daughters of emotionally immature mothers to transform guilt into relief, reclaim inner ease, and thrive-forward in self-alignment.
Remothering as We Mother
And, for those adult daughters who are also mothers of late-teens or young adults, supporting this next phase of the parenting journey with clarity, empowerment, and connection.
