This Feeling Is Not a Red Flag
Learning to Move Ahead Messy
The human adventure is, by nature, messy. And yet, depending on our personal history, we may have been conditioned to experience messiness as a warning sign. Maybe we grew up around judgement, or criticism, or a pressure around “how will that look to others”.
Over time, what can happen is that our brains learn to link up certain experiences, for example: uncertainty, wobbliness, not-quite-there-yet-ness with danger. Our brains start to equate moving ahead messy with the red flags of danger.
The challenge with that is messiness is how we learn new skills. Even skills we know we want like how to communicate boundaries in a clear and loving way, or how to have hard conversations without abandoning ourselves. Because learning, by definition, looks messy before it looks skillful.
When A Toddler Learns to Walk
If we are watching as a toddler learns to walk, we don’t say “What’s your problem baby? You are so wobbly!”
We expect some wobble. We encourage it. We understand it as part of the path forward.
So why does that same wobbliness feel like a red flag when we experience it as adults?
Why Life’s Messiness Can Feel Unsafe
Often, it’s because our systems learn this equation:
Trying something imperfectly = judgment, criticism, or disconnection
When that equation gets wired in, our bodies may react with alarm. Even when we are objectively safe. So now, uncertainty doesn’t just feel uncomfortable. It can feel dangerous.
When the Alarm Isn’t a Warning, but instead an invitation
Our internal community members (between our own two ears) are so wise. And they lovingly track for our safety. Where things get tricky is that some of their “knowings” are rooted in outdated programming, which means they can sound the alarm a little too quickly.
Often, our bodies carry messages for our internal community. Those messages might show up as a tightness, or a stomach drop, or a vague sense of unease. When that happens, we can ask ourselves: “Is this a survival-level threat or is this discomfort?”
As I shared in this article on the neurobiology of Of-Course-Ness, there are part of our brain that don’t speak in words. So, if we ask ourselves that question, and we don’t get a clear answer, we can (if it’s safe to do so) take a moment to pause and slow the moment down.
From that place of pause, we can lean in for a REMOTHERING MOMENT.
The Remothering Moment
A remothering moment can look like placing our hand on our heart and being there for ourselves. We can even say or think to ourselves: “I’ve got you. I’m here.” When we do that, we aren’t just being symbolic, we’re actually sending soothing neurochemicals to our brain, helping our internal community settle enough to access deeper wisdom.
From that place of created-safety, we are better positioned to notice that we are in discomfort AND know that we are safe. Because those two things can co-exist, but we need to have a homeopathic dose of our wisest self online in order to be able to hold both at once.
Here’s to learning-forward & moving ahead messy!
And may the harmony we are each learning to cultivate between our own two ears ripple out into the world in positive and meaningful ways.
warmly and with so much care,
from my heart to yours,
Simona
p.s. if this is resonating, be sure to take a look around for more resources
More Resources
- [YouTube] Prefer to watch? Check out: “This feeling is NOT a red flag”, on YouTube
- [article] Tool for Boundaries without Bracing
- [article] Self-Blame Spiral: Why & Why it Matters
- [YouTube] OPT: Other People’s Emotional Turds
New Around Here?
check out:
- What is Remothering?
- Remothering Roadmap Framework
- Recognizing Adaptive Patterns: Unlocking Freedom from Old Roles
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- For Parents of Older Teens or Young Adults
3 Keys to Set Loving Boundaries… without guilt or power struggles [free workshop]
- For Moms Navigating Distance with Adult Daughters
Sometimes WE are the complicated mother, uggh!?!?
- For Mothers And/Or Daughters Navigating Complicated Dynamics
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