Remothering Foundations

Part of the “how do I remother myself” series

This article sets the foundations for the remothering journey. We’ll be covering what remothering is and what it isn’t, and we’ll be looking at the remothering roadmap framework so you can get an overview of the process. And, more importantly, so we can set you up for thriving forward with a powerful sense of alignment.

This is a long article (about a 12-minute read). If you want a shorter overview of the remothering work, check out What Is Remothering (2 minute read), Remothering Roadmap (4-minute read)

As we get started, in case we haven’t met yet, I’d love to introduce myself so you have some context for who you are learning with. Hi, I’m Simona. My full name is Simona Vivi Hadjigeorgalis and I’m a transformational life coach specializing in the remothering journey. I am also the founder of reMothering.org, a space created to bring together the wisdom from across modalities, practitioners, and healers to be a resource for all of us on our remothering journeys.

Remothering Journey, why and what to look out for

Before we dive into the specifics of the remothering journey, let’s explore why the journey is worth it because for our brains, familiar = safe, which means that changes, even changes we are intentional about, are not typically easy.  But change can also be a path towards clarity, greater ease, and flourishing in self-alignment.

So, to kick us off, I’d like to share a statement about remothering with you.  And I’d like to invite you to picture a giant asterisk symbol as I say it because that’s going to lead us into why this journey is important as well as what to look out for. Ready?

Remothering is about cultivating a nurturing relationship with ourselves—a journey towards greater harmony and collaboration between our own two ears.*

*But here’s a big giant asterisk: I want to name right up front that for some of us, we have an internalized voice that kicks in to scoff at the idea that the relationship between our own two ears is important.   So let’s acknowledge that might be present.  And if it is, that adaptation makes so much sense. Our adaptations were helpful as children and they got us to this moment in time. But, sometimes they have a higher cost now that we are adults.

So, if you have an internalized scoffer, I’d like to share with them that it is the places that we don’t love and accept ourselves can become tender, and that’s how we can inadvertently leak our stuff onto the people we love most in this world. 

I know that can be a little cringy to think about leaking our material onto the people we love.  But the and/also is that it is the ability to surf those uncomfortable feelings that opens the door to better relationships with ourselves, with others, and with reality.

A better relationship with reality means less blind spots. A better relationship with reality means less mental gymnastics.  A better relationship with reality greater self-alignment.

This is big, so before we continue, I’d like to invite you to pause for a moment and if it feels comfortable for your system, take a nice, deep, cell-nourishing breath because our brains require a balance of both safety and stress to learn new things. And I hope I just offered you a bit of both.

What is Remothering?

I’d love to continue this exploration of remothering with a definition.  Ready?

I’ll start with my informal definition, and after that, we’ll take a look at the formal definition. My informal definition is that remothering is a form of self-care.  A path of turning within for the nurturance, wise council, belonging, acceptance, love, and all of the other mother qualities we humans naturally seek and may or may not have had modeled for us as we were growing up.

The formal definition is that remothering is the process and practice of updating patterns and re-wiring with intention so we can turn within to access the mother qualities we seek. 

Because of the way our brains process information, meaning: we have some layers of our brains that speak words, and other layers that communicate with us via story, images, metaphors, before we unpack that definition, I’d like to share the story of how reMothering.org came to be, which has a lot to do with my own personal history. 

A Personal Story

Chronic misattunement, which is another way of saying not being gotten, was and is a major theme in my relationship with my mother. And I know I am not the only one in our reMothering Community who experienced that, so I want to name that it’s one of those things that can be tempting to minimize when you first think about it, which is why I’d like to invite you to imagine a misattunement scenario.  Imagine that you are a caregiver for a dementia or Alzheimer’s patient that is sometimes lucid.  Meaning sometimes the patient you are caring for interacts with you in a knowing and connected way, and other times even though you are physically present together, it’s not the same experience. That intermittent joy of having a connected moment is almost like an intermittent rewards system that keeps you performing and hoping for more moments of lucidity.

Let’s return our focus back to this now moment, to this Remothering Foundations article, where I was just about to tell you about how reMothering.org came to be by sharing a story from my own personal history.

Chronic misattunement was and is a major theme in my relationship with my mother.  And one of the ways my young mind interpreted that misattunement was a misguided belief that I would be doing life ‘right’ if I did things her way. So, if I was going to do things NOT her way, I had better plan and prepare so well that it was as perfect as humanly possible, or be ready to be judged. That implicit learning felt like a big T truth.

Which meant that throughout the first part of my adulthood, it was part of the history-colored glasses I was seeing the world through.  It took a lot work to bring that implicit learning into the light of my conscious mind to be examined and worked with. But, being able to see that thought, which was below the radar of my awareness for decades, was like finding out I was wearing a weighted vest that I could take off. 

The way that life lesson shows up here is that when I started the Center for Remothering, which is my private coaching practice where I work 1:1 with adult daughters, many of whom were raised by an emotionally immature mother, it felt extremely important to me to also nurture a space for collaboration across modalities, practitioners, and healers so that all of us in reMothering Community can explore different resources and notice which are resonating with us in this moment or this particular leg of our journeys. 

Because there is, IN FACT, more than one way to thrive forward.

And now, are you ready for some nuance?
While there’s not a one right way, a high-level roadmap can sure be helpful.  Which I know because I traveled a long and winding journey to get here. 

Below is a little more about my own remothering journey because sometimes folks are curious, or you can skip ahead to dive in with unpacking the formal definition

I stumbled upon the trailhead of my own remothering journey in late 2002. I was 2-weeks pregnant with my second child and going through an unexpected divorce.  And it wasn’t one of those graceful, wise, intentional decisions; it was life unfolding in a way that “invited” me to face some things that had been hiding in plain sight. 

At that time, I was so deeply programmed to be “good” and “not selfish” that I had lost part of my connection to my essential self. And without a map, or even language to describe what I now call the REMOTHERING JOURNEY, it felt like I spent a lot of time stumbling my way forward because so much of that misguided conditioning sat in my blind spots.

But having traveled that zig zag path, I eventually found relief, clarity, and a liberation from crushing guilt, unkind self-talk, and outside-in obligations.  I was able to free myself from a lot of (but not all, no myth of perfection here) a lot of my outdated programming that was no longer helpful to me or to the people I love most in this world.

And even though it took me a really, really long time to get here as I was learning forward and making loads of mistakes along the way, I want you to know, based on the results I’ve seen my clients experience, and based on some of the beautiful emails I’ve received from past reMothering Masterclass participants, it absolutely doesn’t have to take as long when you have a map you can follow.

For more about the self-paced online remothering program, check out the reMothering Masterclass Course, where you’ll learn how to uncover your blind spots, break free from outdated programming that is no longer helpful, deepen self-connection, experience a kinder mind (with less mental chatter), healthier boundaries (even with boundary-impaired others), and thrive forward with a powerful sense of alignment.

Remothering (formal definition)

Let’s unpack that definition, and get into what remothering is and what it isn’t, as we continue to lay the foundation for the journey ahead.

Since repetition supports learning, here’s that definition again:  remothering is the process and practice of updating patterns and rewiring with intention so we can turn within to access the mother qualities we seek.

It’s a process in that there are steps we can take, which we’ll be talking about in this article. And, for an overview, check out this Remothering Roadmap article.

And while the steps are linear so that the learning can be more digestible, there’s not a single-track path.  Because, yes there’s a process, but we each come to this journey from somewhere, so the information we may need in this moment will be individual. And what I’ve seen enough times is that folks seem to connect with the information they most need to hear and learn in this moment. 

Let’s also talk about what remothering isn’t.  Remothering isn’t a report card on the parenting we did or did not receive.  And while it’s true that our personal histories will inform our remothering journeys; rather than being externally-focused, remothering is about our relationship with ourselves.

Remothering Roadmap Framework

There are six steps in the remothering roadmap framework.

1. Remothering Foundations
2. Healing Brain States
3. Recognizing our Adaptations
4. Connecting with our Inner Wisdom
5. Breaking Free from Outdated Programming
6. Thriving Forward

We’re here, in the Remotheirng Foundations step right now, as you get oriented.

Remothering Roadmap Step Two: Healing Brain States

In step two, which is healing brain states, you’ll learn to work with your body’s biology and inherent wisdom. You’ll learn why we can’t always logic our way forward, and the tools and insights for what does actually work instead. 

The reason we’ll want to learn about healing brain states is because when we go to take a look at some of our adaptations, there can be some really uncomfortable moments when we see with greater clarity the high cost of some of our adaptations.  Which is why understanding and being able to work WITH our body’s biology is a helpful early step in the process.

Step Two Resources

• reMothering Course (course)
  Inside of the Comprehensive reMothering Masterclass Course, you’ll learn in depth about healing brain states
  
• The Neurobiology of “Of-Course-ness” (article)
  Wondering why we can’t always logic our way forward? Check out this article: The Neurobiology of “Of-Course-Ness”
  
• What’s the difference between Empathy and Compassion? (YouTube clip)
  Learn how understanding empathy and compassion on a neurobiological level can transform relationships and self-perception.
  

Remothering Roadmap Step Three: Recognize Your Adaptations

In step three, you’ll learn how to uncover blind spots, because what we don’t see DOES affect us and it affect those around us. But the empowering news is that once you see them, there are tools you can lean into to open up more choice.  Seeing our blind spots and leaning into the tools can support us to shift from reflexive to intentional.  Which will set us up to be able to shed the adaptations while still keeping the hard-earned wisdom. 

Step Three Resources

• 5 After-Effects of Emotionally Immature Parenting (article)
  Growing up with an emotionally immature parent can leave lasting imprints on our psyche and behavior. These imprints often manifest in adulthood as struggles that can be challenging to navigate without understanding their origins.  To that end, here are five common after-effects of growing up with emotionally immature parents and how they shape your adulthood.
  
• Good Daughter, over-responsibility for other’s feelings (YouTube Clip)
  Katherine Fabrizio (author of the Good Daughter Syndrome) and Simona Vivi H, talk about why we might feel responsible for others’ feelings
  
• reMothering Course (course)
  Inside of the Comprehensive reMothering Masterclass Course, you’ll learn how to recognize your adaptations so you don’t get swept up into the vortex of them without even realizing it

Remothering Roadmap Step Four: Connect with your Inner Wisdom

In step four we’ll focus on connecting with our inner wisdom and deepening inner-connections so you can turn within to access the mother qualities we humans naturally seek.  We get to be there for ourselves in a way that supports us and increases our ability to navigate the nuances and complexity of the human adventure with greater clarity and ease.

Step Four Resources

• Stop Barehanding Emotional Turds & other remothering wisdom (article)
  You’ll learn about remothering moments, which are those moments when we turn towards ourselves with the same care, kindness, and compassion that we may have historically reserved for other people. 
  
• Remothering Moments (Instagram)
  Remothering Moment for Relationally Hard Moments
  Remothering Moment for Subtle Insults that Hurt
  Remothering Moment for Staying up Waaay To Late Watching RomComs
  
• reMothering Course (course)
  Inside of the Comprehensive reMothering Masterclass Course, you’ll learn how to deepen connection to your inner wisdom

Remothering Roadmap Step Five: Break Free from Outdated Programming

In step five, you learn how to break free from unhelpful programming that no longer serves. And you learn how to disentangle from emotional traps. All of which sets you up for thriving forward in self-alignment, whatever self-alignment means for you. 

Thriving forward in self-alignment may feel like ease and a sense of liberation and relief,  like a quiet mind with less hijacked thoughts, a greater sense of clarity and purpose.  And I’d like to invite you to take a moment to notice, what does thriving forward in self-alignment feel like for you?

Before we continue with on to step six, I’d like to invite you to notice what’s feeling important right now?  What’s standing out for you?

Step Five Resources

• reMothering Course (course)
  The Comprehensive reMothering Masterclass Course, includes a 2-part series, How to Rewire our Thoughts and Habits (step-by-step process)

Remothering Roadmap Step Six: Thrive Forward

In the Masterclass Sessions we dive in with relational well-being, and specifically your relationship with yourself, with others, and with reality. 

Step Six also includes tools for healthy and aligned boundaries because part of thriving forward is taking the work we’ve just done and going out into the world with other humans, some of whom have started to do their own work, and some who have not. 

Step Six Resources

• How to set a boundary, an introductory guide (Article)
  Learn how to set boundaries and overcome ‘boundaries are selfish’ conditioning in this essential introductory guide
  
• Boundary Guilt? (YouTube Clip)
  If you wrestle with boundary guilt, it may be that you were programmed with ‘boundaries are selfish’ conditioning. While our boundary blindspots can definitely create stress in our lives, the good news is that boundaries are a learnable skill…. even when we are far into our adulthoods
  
• Healthy Relational Rhythms include REPAIR (Article)
  For those of us that didn’t learn that relational well-being is a dance between harmony, disharmony, and repair, it turns out, we missed out on learning an important set of life skills. Fortunately, there are learnable skills!
  
• reMothering Course (course)
  Inside of the Comprehensive reMothering Masterclass Course, you’ll learn strategies and techniques for taking everything you just learned and going out into the world. That means tools for relational well-being, boundaries, and navigating day-to-day challenges (for example, the dilemma of balancing care for aging parents amidst complicated ties)

Journal Prompt & Wrap Up

As we begin to wrap up with this Remothering Foundations article, what are you taking for yourself?

Wishing you all the best on your remothering journey! May the harmony you are learning to cultivate between your own two ears ripple out into the world in positive and meaningful ways!

my heart to yours.
Your guide, coach, and fellow traveler on the remothering journey,
Simona Vivi H.

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